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T-shirts (in adult and toddler sizes) are available now with this attractive design:

If you’re coming from my flickr page and need the backstory, see these, in order: 1, 2, 3.

This is the third in my brief series of capsule reviews of children’s fiction. See here and here first for background on the Arturo and Zoltan stories.

From Arturo To Zoltan: an Unhappy Okapi Encyclopedia, edited by Søren Tyggegummi. (Arbitrary Haus, 2008).

Perhaps no one is more surprised than Søren Tyggegummi at the absurd success of his Unhappy Okapi franchise, which now spans seventeen short books, a lucrative cross-merchandising arrangement with a national fast-food chain, countless plush toys and action figures, two albums of “Okapi Sing-Alongs,” and a trilogy of computer-animated films featuring the voice talents of Alex Winter, Ian McKellen, and Lorraine Bracco, scheduled to hit theaters starting in 2009. Tyggegummi’s personal story makes the tremendous popularity of his tales all the more remarkable: as recently as 2004, he was living in a shack in the slums outside Copenhagen, telling his stories to disaffected youths for spare kroner — now, he is an international celebrity at the head of a multimedia sensation and in no small part responsible for the unexpected resurgence of Arbitrary Haus as a major player in the juvenile literature market.

Unfortunately, this hastily-assembled tome provides clear evidence that the Unhappy Okapi canon suffers greatly when subjected to the “fan encyclopedia” treatment, which demands compromise and filler from even the most meticulously arranged imaginary universes. Few readers will have their enjoyment of the stories enhanced by the trivial, strange, and — in some cases — inconsistent details included here, such as the “fact” that Arturo never learned to write in cursive (unlikely, given his impressive display in The Unhappy Okapi Illuminates), or that safari parties are almost exclusively composed of Methodists. Some entries, like Gabor’s collection of jackdaw recipes, are simply morbid, and there are whole sections devoted to characters (like Kundry the Koala) who never appear in the books or other properties.

A casual observer might see such a thick book (the American edition is over 250 pages) and assume that the Arturo mythology is fully fleshed out; this buyer would do well to reconsider. In fact, only the first forty pages even plausibly relate to the well-known stories; the remainder of the book is dominated by a collection of public-domain material, including several complete entries from the 1911 Encyclopedia Britannica and a collection of baroque woodcuts of various fantastical creatures (e.g. manticore, cockatrice, and basilisk). The book also includes a sixty-page essay by Slavoj Žižek on the semiotics of wordplay as it relates to contemporary myth and empire. While there is perhaps a tenuous connection between Žižek’s piece and the increasingly wordplay-obsessed later works in the series, this addition is unlikely to be edifying to the target audience for the Unhappy Okapi stories. Recommended for completists only, and with extreme reservation.

See here first for background on the Arturo and Zoltan stories.

Zoltan Goes Home, by Søren Tyggegummi and Jeremy Albrecht. (Arbitrary Haus, 2007)

After a well-received string of adventures with his friend Arturo (see The Unhappy Okapi, The Unhappy Okapi Learns to Unicycle, The Unhappy Okapi and the Best Spinach Sandwich Ever, and The Unhappy Okapi Writes An Impossibly Short Pangram), Zoltan the jackdaw heads home to his family. Illustrator Albrecht shares writing credits with Tyggegummi in this installment, which is rather darker in tone than the Arturo books but shares its immediate predecessor’s nearly prurient obsession with parlor-game wordplay. (For example, Zoltan is only able to escape from Gabor the butcher and his jackdaw-pie machine by offering five versions of a popular nursery rhyme — each avoiding a separate vowel.) While older children may appreciate Zoltan’s linguistic cleverness and ability to escape sticky situations, the setting may be rather grim for younger readers, and it is never made completely clear why Zoltan and his immediate family choose to live in a village in which jackdaws are prized as a delicacy.

Who Moved Daddy’s Ontology?, by Kensym G. Mooch. (University of Chicago Press, 2008)

This whimsical tale, presented in a handsome board book with sturdy pop-up flaps, recounts the metaphysical crisis that ensues one Saturday afternoon when Daddy can’t find his ontology — a situation that is sure to be familiar to most parents of toddlers. The book is rather longer than many board books, and it presents many alternative ontologies as Daddy and Johnny search the house (a particular delight is the melancholy family cat’s Wittgensteinian take, which was hidden inside the piano bench). Sensitive young readers may be concerned by the length of time it takes for Daddy to recover his ontology and his increasing angst as the narrative wears on; some parents may wish to use discretion, especially for children with shorter attention spans or who are easily troubled by metaquestions about the nature of existence. The exciting conclusion is likely to raise more questions than it answers, but the bright colors and easy pop-ups should offer hours of entertainment to small eyes and tiny fingers.

(Editor’s note: expect a review in the near future of Mooch’s anticipated next book, Time-out for Contingency, in which Daddy demonstrates that there is no possible world related to this one in which it is acceptable to put one’s feet on the table.)

Birthday Trouble and other Martin Mongoose Mysteries, by Ewa Czarnecki (translated from Polish by Pawel Marcik). (Spanner Juvenile, 2008)

This installment in the long-running Martin Mongoose series is the first to make its way to the States. Martin is a clever animal detective who wears an overcoat and — with his bubble-pipe-smoking, monocled sidekick Friedrich Fox — solves various petty crimes by catching suspects in subtle but ultimately trivial contradictions. Since many of these involve absurdly specialist knowledge (e.g., “The case of the Swiss Miss,” in which a character who is putatively from Zurich is caught in a lie when she expresses a preference for slab-serif typefaces), they are unlikely to improve the deductive skills of young readers. Furthermore, Marcik’s rendering preserves the essential meaning of Czarnecki’s original, but not its meter or rhyme schemes. If your child enjoys other stories involving animal detectives or mongooses with birthdays, you might give this a shot, but you may wish to wait until it inevitably reaches the remainder pile.

The Unhappy Okapi, by Søren Tyggegummi. (Arbitrary Haus, 2005)

This heartwarming tale follows the exploits of Arturo, an okapi with a big secret, and his best friend Zoltan, a jackdaw who is far away from home. The two enjoy several comic misadventures before learning valuable lessons about regular motor vehicle maintenance, the importance of family, and proper dining etiquette. The watercolor illustrations, by Eric Carle disciple Jeremy Albrecht, are sparse and derivative (one snide young reader remarked: “what is this, The Very Hungry Jackdaw?“), but they do not detract from the sparkling prose. Recommended for very aggressive toddlers and their parents.

Fume Hoods for Oliver, by Geoff Froberger. (Kruhft & Sons, 2007)

Oliver is a charming sea otter who lives in the Pacific Northwest. While most of his family and friends are content to playfully frolic in the waves, occasionally cracking mussel shells with flat rocks, Oliver is unhappy. His dream is to be a bench scientist and — eventually — to become a principal investigator of important scientific questions. After a visit from some helpful local researchers, Oliver learns how to make his wish a reality and discovers a thing or two about the NSF grant review process along the way. While Oliver’s motivations are unclear, his spirit shines through each of the sixteen pages. Recommended for bright youngsters who love marine mammals and harbor inexplicable ambitions. (Note that this tale is also available in a waterproof board book edition that may be suitable for bathtime use, if not for cracking mussels.)

I cannot believe the latest from the International Olympic Committee. Their decision to hold the Winter Olympiad in Torino this year raises serious questions, most notably: “who in Torino has pictures of Jacques Rogge with un bouc?”

Torino is definitely a small-market city. Sure, at about one million residents, it’s 40 times bigger than paltry Lillehammer, but it’s definitely not a smart decision for the Olympics if they want to grow their brand. When was the last time anyone got in a bidding war over Turin TV rights? Furthermore, what is there to do in a city of merely one million? Were I choosing a location to host a major sporting event, there would be plenty of available activities for spectators to enjoy in lieu of the event itself. Torino has some shroud, and that’s it.

The worst part of this decision, though, is the IOC’s stubborn insistence on holding the Winter Olympics in a cold-weather city. Great. Just because of this absurd policy, spectators will have to bundle up before watching the skeleton quarterfinals. I can’t imagine that anyone other than a serious curling fiend would be willing to endure dressing in a parka in order to cheer on their favorite squad. Clearly, attendance will suffer.

Of course, the televised presentation bears the brunt of the decision to hold the Winter Olympics in a cold climate. Instead of padding the time between competitions with shots of sailboats, boardwalks, and sunbathers, NBC must resort to footage of blizzards, dreary snow-covered streets, and Yeti. If these prove insufficient, it is possible that NBC will have to produce and televise endless personal-interest montages about the three Americans that participated, but did not medal, in the Nordic skiing competition.

In addition, the wintery conditions adversely affect the athletes’ performance. As long as the Winter Olympics are held in cold-weather conditions, we may never know how fast the biathlon could be run if competitors could wear track shorts and eschew skis. Indeed, some athletes are so affected by the cold weather that they turn to alcohol and perilous levels of hot air in order to stay warm.

I’ll probably watch some of the Winter Olympics; I’ll at least see whatever appears on SportsCenter. However, the fact remains that scheduling sporting events in cold-weather locations is always a bad idea. Here’s hoping that the 2014 games are in a more suitable city, like San Diego, New Orleans, or Honolulu.

I don’t believe in bumper stickers; even so, I’d buy one of these:

The terrible events of September 11, 2001 were merely a pretext to pull the wool over our eyes — so that POWERFUL FORCES can impose their will on the people. These forces will use war, genocide, and pestilence as misdirection, as they architect a terrifying new order for society. They want to level the playing field, creating a radical anarchosyndicalist culture in which they alone are above all other “equal” men and women. They want to force everyone to participate in silent, unprogrammed worship services in which they claim to divine the will of God. They often speak an archaic language with unfamiliar pronouns, and eschew high fashion in favor of “simple” (religiously-motivated) garb.

Who are these forces? They are the Quakers, stupid!

Not every American yet knows that when grammar school children say the “Pledge of Allegiance” they are secretly pledging allegiance to a QUAKER FLAG. (It was designed by sinister Quaker operative Betsy Ross.) The United States is merely a STAGING GROUND for the NEW QUAKER WORLD ORDER, and it has been from the beginning.

What do all of the following people have in common?

1. Richard Nixon (despite the Quaker-controlled media reports of his death, he is currently directing black helicopters from a vault in Yorba Linda, CA)
2. Judi Dench (who has controlled the most elite agents of the British Secret Service since 1995)
3. George and John Cadbury (whose candies rot the minds of the Amerikan sheep-people, making them more susceptible to outside control)

Give up? They’re ALL QUAKERS! Were that not enough to make your skin crawl, you should examine the terrifying connection between the following public figures:

1. linguist and hackneyed demagogue Noam Chomsky
2. media operatives Donny Deutsch, Candice Bergen, Joe Klein, Andrea Mitchell, Wolf Blitzer, P.J. O’Rourke, and Stephen Glass (the latter took a fall for the group)
3. NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg (hmmm, what did HE have to gain from 9/11???)
4. politicians Spiro Agnew, Madeline Albright, and Woodrow Wilson
5. SAUDI AMBASSADOR TO THE U.S. Bandar bin Sultan, whose involvement in 9/11 is beyond dispute

Not seeing the connection? Every member of this group is an alumnus of one of the “Quaker madrassas:” JOHNS HOPKINS UNIVERSITY and the UNIVERSITY OF PENNSYLVANIA. (Johns Hopkins and William Penn? Both QUAKERS.)

Less than one one-hundredth of a percent of the world’s population is a member of the diabolical “Society of Friends.” To have this many “Friends” and “Friend” operatives in positions of power is thus BEYOND COINCIDENCE. (I have the chi-square table to prove it.)

Clearly, they control the media and the currency markets, but perhaps less obvious is that they also have their simple, peaceful fingers in every level of government. Furthermore, they control the nation’s oat supply.

Is it a coincidence that we haven’t heard much from noted Quaker shill WILFORD BRIMLEY lately? Sure, he’s ostensibly hawking — or should I say “chicken-hawking?” — low-cost glucose test strips to senior citizens, but I know the truth. Liberty Medical is selling mind-control juice to America’s Greatest Generation. In fact, the current putative Brimley is nothing more than a clever automaton — a bomb-strapped Brimley brought down Flight 93, because a “meeting” of Quaker operatives needed to create more confusion.

These Quaker warmongers (I call them “thee-thou-cons”) will stop at nothing to make their terrible goals a reality. They are silently “waiting on the Spirit” before making the next move in their horrific plan. WAKE UP, AMERICA!!!1!

Start asking questions. WHY have the Quaker roots of the aforementioned covert operatives been glossed-over and hidden by the Quaker-owned media? WHY does the Quaker banking system lend money at different rates to different clients? HOW have we allowed the wool to be pulled over our eyes by these so-called “Friends?”

Notice how the USDA food pyramid changed without warning, to include “more whole grains?” To figure out the reason behind this rash and unprecedented change, we must consider: what is the most widely-available whole grain? You got it: oats. The thee-thou-con conspiracy to control the oats means that there is another delicious vector for Quaker mind-control. DON’T BE A SHEEP. (OR, DO BE A SHEEP BUT ONLY INASMUCH AS SHEEP EAT GRASS INSTEAD OF OATS.) The “Friend” junta has recently gained control of the majority of the barley trade as well, meaning that even an innocent purchase of “all-American” beer is supporting the thee-thou-con cabal.

Get ready, America. Ignore my evidence at your own peril.

Note: the above is satire. See the comments attached to this post for its referent. I have no evidence that any person or corporation named in this posting is actually part of an evil Quaker conspiracy, or, indeed, that such a conspiracy exists…yet.

Josh Parsons, whose excellent aesthetic evaluation of world flags I’ve linked to in the past, has a great perl script online that generates pseudo-Tractarian epigrams. Sample output:

15 Russell’s merit is to have shown that the logical symbolism of Frege and Russell is a fact.

15.1 Propositions stand to one another in that total relation that holds between questions.

15.11 An atomic symbol is determined by the propositions, and by these being all the propositions.

15.111 Roughly speaking: every structure is also a senseless tautology.

15.112 In logic, every fact is also every picture: the atomic object itself is, so to speak, a substance.

15.113 It is clear that everything exists independently of the reality itself.

This is truly hilarious stuff, on several levels. My inner nerd, though, secretly pines for distinct “Pears/McGuinness” and “Ogden” versions. (For a chaser, track down Mark Pilgrim’s auto-generated Kant or elsewhere.org’s classic postmodernism generator.)

I’m currently listening to Double - From Partita For Violin Solo No.1 in B minor from the album “Segovia Collection vol. 4: J.S. Bach” by Andrès Segovia