free variable

Here are two baffling assertions, both from a Starbucks in Wayne, PA. In the first, the asserted fact is baffling; in the second, the assertion itself is baffling.

1. According to a plaque on the wall, the Starbucks in Wayne, PA was voted “Best Coffee on the Main Line” by readers of some regional publication. (It doesn’t matter which one — it could have been Philadelphia Philistine Monthly and it would still be troubling.) Certainly the bourgeoisie must have ready access to superior coffee.
2. My espresso came with this quote from Nancy Wilson of the rock band Heart:
   
   
   
   OK, so it’s not a complete sentence. But what could it possibly mean? I’m not sure it’s even wrong. (Your suggestions for how to make sense of this are welcome in the comments. Bonus points if you can fashion this utterance into some part of a coherent argument.)

Why revise the “best?”

Apropos of my recent mention of Richard Scarry, here’s a very interesting photoset detailing some changes between the 1963 and 1991 editions of the Best Word Book Ever. Several (but not all) of the changes are truly cringeworthy. However, some are understandable and some (most notably, “Gretel”) I found rather interesting.

Also of interest for nerdy Scarry fans: Richard Scarry’s Busytown, a video game for the Sega Genesis. Yikes. Something tells me that it’s probably not as good as the books. (You can see cover art here.)

Suicide watch

Episcopal bishop Katharine Jefferts Schori’s risible claim that “Episcopalians tend to be better-educated and tend to reproduce at lower rates than some other denominations” brings to mind another denomination that strongly discouraged reproduction (and, as does the ECUSA, proselytizing). I wonder how this exclusive, “better-educated” policy will work out for them?

I’ve been meaning to post this item for months; sorry to be late to the punch-line. Regular readers who share my mailing address will be proud to know that I resisted the impulse to introduce ironic “scare quotes” in at least two places in the preceding paragraph.

Super Bowl notes

Mark Liberman argues: “[W]hat’s lingering just below the surface of this year’s [Super Bowl] ads is Americans’ too-long-suppressed desire for more linguistics in their life.” It was a rather weak ad showing, I thought, but Liberman glosses some of the good ones.

Thanks to NFF for a link to this NYT article about one of my favorite postseason traditions: shipping tons of parallel-universe celebratory clothing to various remote and undeveloped regions. Since even the worst seats at the Super Bowl cost thousands of dollars per ticket, Bears fans who wanted to see their team triumph could have saved a lot of money simply by booking a mid-February flight to Uganda.

I’m currently listening to Micro Melodies from the album “Moog: Original Film Soundtrack” by The Album Leaf

I noticed that Richard John Neuhaus had some things to say about that Weisberg piece on whether or not it is permissible to support a political candidate whose religious beliefs you find silly. Neuhaus, as one might imagine, takes a rather different tack than I did in evaluating Weisberg’s argument:

First, what would people think of someone who abandoned the religion of his forebears in order to advance his political career? (Mr. Romney is apparently having difficulties enough in explaining some of his political changes.) Second, do we really want to exclude from high office millions of citizens born into a religion whose tenets strike most Americans as bizarre…? Third, candidates should be judged on the basis of their character, competence, and public positions. That one was born a Mormon is not evidence of a character flaw. That one remains a Mormon may be evidence of theological naiveté or indifference. But we are not electing the nation’s theologian.

I maintain that there are some personal beliefs one can hold that absolutely betray credulity to a degree that should probably disqualify one from serious consideration for public office. I suspect that the line between beliefs that should and should not influence potential voters exists but is perhaps indiscernible. Weisberg makes the mistake of taking the slippery slope too far (as I argued, condemning anyone who believes in anything). Neuhaus, by claiming that religious beliefs should not be a “decisive factor” in the fitness-for-public-office calculus, takes the slippery slope too far in the other direction.

I suppose that Weisberg, like most American voters, has to focus his energies on people who are almost certainly running for president this time and ignore the legislature. Perhaps in a future article he can set his sights on the Senior Senator from Utah (who escaped mostly unscathed in the Slate piece) and the Senate Majority Leader (who didn’t even warrant a mention).

I’m currently listening to Hurt from the album “The Legend of Johnny Cash” by Johnny Cash

Amazon, we’ve known each other for a long time and I get along with you well enough. Sometimes, though, your computers do things that make me concerned that they are also storing my credit card number.

Uff.

You should probably be familiar with Minard’s famous graph of Napoleon’s doomed Russian campaign, which Edward Tufte calls “[p]robably the best statistical graphic ever drawn.” Well, a blogger at the OmniGroup site has used the OmniPlan software to present Minard’s data as a Gantt chart. I find the juxtaposition of total military failure and massive loss of human life with the bureaucracy and management-related tedium implied by the Gantt chart to be rather amusing, but I must say — with all due respect to the Omni team — that their image falls rather short of “[p]robably the best statistical graphic ever drawn.”

I’ll probably be following BooksForKidsBlog, although for now I find it hard to beat Richard Scarry’s inimitable oeuvre. Catch that hat, Mr. Frumble!

How was this domain name still available? Almost all student “activists” are pretty revolting.

…and may all your linger sound long.

I was visiting an unnamed online music retailer to buy some strings, and — in a moment of weakness — I almost bought a hand drum for $20. In fact, I went so far as to add it to my virtual “cart.” Once I had done so, however, my ludicrosity barometer required instant re-calibration:

Let’s ignore the nonsensical “These are the following…” for now and focus on the important part. The item I had added to my cart listed for $20. This retailer not only expects me (with a default selection) to fork over 175% of their asking price for an impulse-buy item in order to add an extended warranty, but they have the temerity to force me to click through a button declining it, as if I were going in for expensive elective surgery without health insurance.

Perhaps this strategy is successful — I am reminded of all of the “stupid percussionist” jokes that circulated in the borderline-conservatory atmosphere of my undergrad institution — but I can’t imagine that there are many takers. Of course it makes no sense to pay for an extended warranty! It’s a drum. There is only one thing that could possibly go wrong with it, and I bet the warranty doesn’t cover replacement heads.

One of those “get a prestigious non-accredited degree based on your work and life experience” spams slipped through my filters today. However, I think I’m holding out for a prestigious non-accredited degree from an institution who (1) isn’t reachable solely by calling a cell phone in LA (not pictured) and (2) knows how to use commas and reflexive pronouns:

Yourself, and a limited number of other candidates are invited to take advantage of this Special Enrollment

Bachelors, Masters, MBA, and Doctorate (PhD) available in the field of your choice - 100% Verifiable Documents will be shipped to you within 2 weeks.

While I doubt that anyone actually sends these people money, it’s nice to note that bad syntax plagues all spammers, even the laughably transparent ones.

I showed up at my polling place yesterday afternoon to choose among my unpalatable alternatives for this round¹, only to find out that the polling workers did not believe I was registered to vote.

I found this state of affairs very odd. I have lived exclusively at one address since the summer of 2000 and have voted in every national, regional, and local election with (I believe) only one exception since then. It was doubly strange, since Andrea’s name was on the list.

I mentioned these facts to the polling workers, who were well-meaning but uniformly confused. They offered to let me register at the poll and vote, which I did. However, the whole experience was rather unsettling. Why would my name have been removed from a list of voters in my ward unless it were on a voter list elsewhere? Indeed, I wonder how many times “I” voted yesterday. (One can register to vote in Wisconsin with no proof of identity, as long as one has the cooperation of a registered voter.) I also wonder how many people found themselves in a similar situation and, faced with long lines and the prospect of re-registering, decided to skip voting.

I called the Wisconsin Secretary of State’s office and asked for an explanation. Predictably, they were swamped. However, the election worker I spoke with graciously offered to contact me once they’ve figured out what happened to my registration. We’ll see, I guess.

¹ As far as I can tell, there is something about politics in this state that renders office-seekers from both parties uniquely skilled at insulting the intelligence of the electorate. I can’t ever recall so many unctuous, demagogic, and irrational campaign ads appearing in the course of a midterm election — and I don’t watch that much TV.

Apparently, the perennial Madison Halloween rioting was rather subdued last weekend. I’m sure that this is in no small part due to an email from the Dean’s office to all Wisconsin students (yes, even grad students) that contained a great deal of common-sense advice: don’t get drunk in public, stay with friends, obey instructions from the police, etc. While I am a little saddened that people who are old enough to vote apparently need such reminders, I am no longer surprised.

However, the real gem of the note was the following paragraph:

Finally, remember that the anonymity you may feel from wearing a mask or costume does not negate your rights or responsibilities as a Madison resident or a UW-Madison student.

This is good advice for the hordes of drunken undergrads, and it is equally good advice for people who plan to be characters in a comic opera, a farce, or in any other staged drama that does not end in death, apocalypse, or paralyzing endemic ennui. Such people are also well-advised to back out of any wedding in which they or any other participant is masked; they should also remember that the joke is likely to be on the tenor.

Indeed, Thomas has no functional teeth yet.

If the election were held today, I wouldn’t tell you how I planned to vote, just as I am not telling you how I plan to vote even though the election shall not be held today. We have a secret ballot for a reason. Why do you insist that I voluntarily waive such privacy? Put yourself in my shoes: sure, I can appreciate it that you believe in what you’re doing. You could be watching football or taking a nap (both of which I was doing, to some extent, until your most recent visit), but instead you’re going from door to door bothering people.

If some random stranger showed up at your door and started interrogating you about various candidates and policy points, how would you feel? Maybe it would make your day to identify an ideological comrade, or fill you with moral superiority at the sight of someone who espoused positions you found disagreeable. Perhaps you would love telling this person all of your deepest desires for the legislative and executive branches of Wisconsin government, and enjoying an informative presentation about how you could get more involved. Please appreciate, as foreign to you as this may seem, that I would not. Indeed, I wouldn’t even tell you what I had for breakfast.

Thank you for your consideration,
Will Benton

Note to non-prosletyzing readers: please allow me to recommend the breakfast burrito at Pasqual’s Salsaria. I’ll be stopping by your door later to ask you whether, if brunch were held today, you’d order one or not.

I’m currently listening to Chroralvorspiel BWV 599: “Nun komm’, der Heiden Heiland” (Bearb. Busoni) from the album “Dinu Lipatti: Bach, Mozart, Scarlatti, Schubert” by Dinu Lipatti

I hope to return to posting serious material soon. Until then:

I stumbled upon this article at pitchforkmedia.com today; it features a shockingly naïve assessment of the implications of technology:

In fact, all tech is “neat.” Maybe we can see some ill effects on the horizon– would federal endorsement of the destruction of embryos for stem cell research open the door to greater exploitation of humanity down the road? Can iPods damage your hearing?– but we only throw in the storm clouds for effect, to give the story some yang and make it more engaging. In the end, science is good, and progress is inevitable– so there’s no way that the technology we’re covering could be anything but good.

Man, that’s so ‘94 — 1794, that is. Even if we were to accept a view of science and technology as merely oiling the wheel of limitless progress, the writer could have picked better examples. A quick examination of recent history reveals that only two things are “inevitable” vis-a-vis human “progress:” the accumulation of increasingly creative and novel ways to exploit humanity (especially the most vulnerable humans) will proceed unchecked and the relentless pursuit by pop recording engineers of the elusive “zero dynamic range” will continue until everyone is deaf, iPods or not.

Read the rest of this entry »

I think that this speaks for itself.

A package of synthetic fish bait, labeled “THE WORM THAT THINKS IT’S ALIVE!”

I don’t know that I’ve ever seen sporting-goods advertising with such confusing metaphysical and ontological implications. Indeed, a slogan that bests this one (with, of course, similar economy of prose) would be truly remarkable.

We asked W.T. Benton a simple question: “Thomas, what do you think of the new Lutheran hymnals?” His response was immediate, direct, and unambiguous.

Mollie Ziegler at GetReligion: “That’s where the Muslim — Christian tension in Istanbul comes from? From before it was a Muslim city? Interesting.” Oh, snap!