free variable

I’m sure that this impulse is not unique to Madison, but the tendency of small-market broadcasters to emphasize any local angle — no matter how affected or tenuous — on a news story is completely absurd. This is worst with sports news. Often, the local TV news will report on some random golf event simply so they can mention the most recent performance of “Madison native Jerry Kelly.” Madison news outlets report the results of many NASCAR races, but these results as reported by local TV seem liable to satisfy only those whose curiosity about the race is confined to how well Cambridge, WI-born Matt Kenseth placed.

Major, eminently newsworthy stories are smothered in a thick, sugary sauce of local flavor; pointless filler is propped up and given shape by a substrate of Madison-flavored syrup. Hypothetical examples include:

• “Slovakia has invaded Australia: we’ll have the ill-informed opinions of some folks who happened to be on State Street when our crew walked by after the break.”
• “Tahiti has been overcome by fairy tale monsters and is covered in a thick layer of magical ice. Tonight, we’ll talk to a little Waunakee girl who’s selling lemonade for Tahiti.”
• “Harald V has just received an honorary doctorate from Såfingenserduhar College in Nowhere, WI. For Harald, this honor is perhaps second only to being King of Norway.”

Celebrities who are famous in their own right are referred to by their connection to Wisconsin first and their claim to fame second, if at all. This morning, I heard the ESPN Radio announcer refer to “former Badger Chris Chelios.” Chelios has been a professional hockey player since 1983. ESPN Radio did not exist when he was still in college. Since then, he has played for three different teams and has probably been to the Olympics as many times as Bob Costas. One imagines that if we had to pick the most descriptive category in which to place Chelios, “former Badger” would not be terribly high on the list.

However, these absurdly contrived Wisconsin-related epithets pale in comparison to the ignominious treatment dealt to one celebrity by Madison local news. During the California recall of 2003, it seemed to be completely impossible for the local anchors to make it through an entire telecast without referring to one candidate, and always by a definite description: “UW-Superior grad Arnold Schwarzenegger.” This was the case even when nothing remotely newsworthy was happening in the California recall.

We shall defer the question of precisely how newsworthy the California recall was for Wisconsin residents even at its most relevant.

In many ways, the local treatment of Schwarzenegger eased a great mental burden for me. Indeed, I am always getting the famous actor, bodybuilder, and California governor confused with Arnold Schwarzenegger of York, PA, who did not go to UW-Superior.

I’m currently listening to Erhalt Uns Herr Bei Deinem Wort (BuxWv 185) from the album “Dietrich Buxehude: Organ Music Vol. 3” by Wolfgang Rübsam