free variable

This sort of follows my last post.

I went to the doctor recently and had some blood work done. They (the doctor and a fellow) started asking me all these questions about my liver: do I drink? do I binge drink? (A “binge” for me is finishing a beer before it gets warm; I maybe consume two units of alcohol in a really rowdy week.) However, the test (lactate dehydrogenase) only measures tissue damage. I informed them that I had just started weightlifting that week for the first time in a long time, and that I was fairly sure that I had incurred extensive tissue damage.

They were relieved momentarily, but then pounced again. Was I using ephedra? creatine? other “supplements?” (I can’t imagine I look like someone who participates in “doping”. I guess the East German blood on my dad’s side must show.) I said no, that I didn’t use anything that wasn’t regulated by the FDA. (Andrea, when I told her this story, pointed out that I barely use anything that is regulated by the FDA, either.) The docs laughed, but I was a little saddened that they had to ask.

I mean, are people really that stupid? Will people actually use random, poorly-researched products that the local “health food” store sells, even though said products aren’t indicated for any disease or condition and the companies that sell them are accountable to no one? I am amazed. I see so many commercials* for products that are “safe because they’re natural”. Something like 75% of all prescription pharmaceuticals on the market today are plant-derived or are modified versions of something found in nature. It’s not safe to just ingest random chemicals without knowing how they’ll affect your physiology or interact with anything else you’re taking (or eating, for that matter). And “natural” isn’t a synonym for “safe” — just ask Socrates, who had a serving of a particularly well-known “botanical” just before his career ended.

I guess it’s just embarrassing that people are dumb about taking pills to make them stronger, more or less hirsute, or to provide other intangible and unprovable benefits. What makes me totally furious, though, are the spam emails and “patient advocates” advertising “alternative” cures for cancer and depression. It’s bad enough that those are diseases that kill people and should not go untreated, but a vocal minority of people believe that laetrile (for example) is effective and is only outlawed because the US gov’t is in bed with the pharma industry anyway, independent of the cranks. It’s not embarrassing that there are people willing to push cyanide on the gullible and suffering — it’s just diseased.

Perhaps I should start using some totally synthetic, “botanical”-free shampoo as a matter of principle.

* Speaking as I was of commercials, I have determined that the target audience for ESPN is composed

1. almost entirely of balding men
2. mostly of people who need to quit smoking
3. mostly of people with erectile dysfunction
4. and of a sizable majority of people with unwanted bodily hair